Confusion
February 11th, 2007
I recently read a blog post by Alex Barnett about the phrase “I’m confused.” His take was that people who say this are actually saying something like “I’m smarter than you, and what you just said doesn’t make any sense to me.”
Uh… okay. Sounds like a case of inferiority complex to me. I know it’s difficult to fathom, but maybe they are genuinely confused. In fact, maybe they are confused because you’re not expressing yourself clearly. Having been a Computer Science tutor for three years dealing with students in the first three classes of CS, I’ve seen a lot of confusion. I think it’s better to say you’re confused than to nod and pretend to understand. Whenever a student expressed confusion, either explicitly or in their body language, I tried to explain things in a different way. Sometimes I would explain something three or four ways before I saw the confusion disperse.
So since he hasn’t heard it in a while, I will utter the phrase. Alex, I’m confused. You think “I’m confused” is a confrontational phrase, yet your responses are
X: “I’m confused”
Alex: “I know.”X: “I’m confused”
Alex: “I see. What part of the word “x” didn’t you understand?”X: “I’m confused”
Alex: “Not for the first time…”X: “I’m confused”
Alex: “I’ve heard that about you”X: “I’m confused”
Alex: “So am I”X: “I’m confused”
Alex: “You know, I’m not sure this is the appropriate time to discuss personal issues.”
Nothing confrontational there… Your job title also confuses me. What exactly does a “Community Program Manager for the Data Programmability team” do at Microsoft? Sounds like a pointy-haired manager title to me.
Alex: “My readership is decreasing – I’m confused.”
Me: “Yes, you are.”
June 18th, 2007
08:18 PM
Curtis,
thanks for the comments.
Do I have an inferiority complex? Maybe I do. Regardless…
I’ve had a number comments respond in a similar way to yours, and I think what is apparent is that I didn’t communicate the fact that I don’t have a problem with people letting me know that I have confused them per se, but I do if they are telling me in a way to make some other additional, implied point, i.e. “I disagree with you, and so telling you I’m confused makes it like like you’re not making sense”. It’s *that” kind of “I’m confused” that irritates me. If someone disagrees, they should say so and tell me why. I can handle that…
In my post, I should have explained that the ‘tone’ in which “I’m confused” is said carries a message, as does the context in which it is said.
So, where you explain above that my job title confuses you, I understand that the job title isn’t self-explanatory. In this context, I don’t feel you are trying to make any additional point other than ‘I don’t know what that means’ (as well as making the point that people can be genuinely confused). Rather than rehash my job description here, you can read this post where I outlined my role here: http://blogs.msdn.com/alexbarn/archive/2006/03/16/553474.aspx I hope that helps clear some confusion :-)
As it happens, I actually enjoy helping people understand stuff. If some tells me they don’t ‘get it’, or are confused about something (sincerely), I’m very happy to try again in a different way.
Anyway, thanks for helping me clarify.
Oh, and nice spell checker in the comments interface – picked up two typos in this comment!
thanks,
Alex.
June 18th, 2007
08:18 PM
Alex,
Thanks for the lengthy reply. As for the inferiority complex, we all have a touch…
Your comment here implies that it is not what is said, but the tone with which it is said. The fact that the phrase in question was “I’m confused.” is irrelevant. It could just as easily have been “Great idea, Alex.” It almost sounds like you may have had some bad experiences in a team where straight-forward communication was poor. I try not to be a person who mixes words and meanings, but I can imagine the frustration of being surrounded by people who do exactly that.
Alas, you were a casualty of my blogroll pruning, but I hope you continue to do well at Microsoft. If nothing else you’ve cleared up some confusion for me and the one other person (besides my wife) who reads this blog.
BTW, the spell checker is from Brian ‘Coldforged’ Dupuis.